A Soft Answer – Book Review

Disclosure: A copy of this book was provided for review consideration. All opinions are my own.

By Danny Rotert

This is not a book about how to win an argument over the holiday table. And trust me, enough of those exist already. Instead, this is a book about what really works. This book offers something much more novel, simple in its philosophy, and something as old as time.

It’s not a new technique or tricks to win people to your side. And the information you will learn in this book didn’t come from the author himself. Sure, the way he has packaged it is all his, but the core philosophies have been around a long time. And it’s something he learned from watching others who did it well. Specifically, he learned from two Black men who did it well.

It wasn’t a performance. It wasn’t a technique. And it wasn’t strategy.

So What Is It?

An important note: Before you even dig into the meat of the book, the author reminds you that this book assumes a hard conversation, not an unsafe one. This shows the other is aware of the very real dangers that some people face in these situations.

The advice in this book is not for sitting at tables where you are unsafe – where you are demeaned or attacked or threatened. If someone in your family is not safe, this is a different issue altogether, and not one this particular book aims to solve. Please ensure your own safety, first and foremost.

Instead, this book is written for people who love each other, but are just having trouble understanding one another. And honestly, it will change the way you look at all communication in your life.

There are 11 chapters, as well as the preface and Epilogue.

Who Is It For?

Danny Rotert is writing for a very specific person: the one who drives to the holiday gathering already dreading it, who knows she’ll be outnumbered, who has been rehearsing the argument in her head since the last time. He’s honest about the fact that he’s writing from that chair because it’s the one he knows. And the whole book has that energy — it’s not preachy, it’s not above you. It reads like a conversation with someone who has thought about this a lot and messed it up enough times to be worth listening to.

The core idea is deceptively simple. You are not going to win the argument at the table. You were never going to. The real question is whether you and the person across from you can still be in the same room and both be fully present. Everything else in the book — the practical stuff about pacing, about pausing, about saying someone’s position back to them before you say your own — all hangs on that reframe.

Meeting Hostile with Softness

There’s a chapter about Emanuel Cleaver, the congressman Rotert used to work for, and the way he handled hostile constituents at monthly coffee-shop events. I won’t spoil it because the details are what make it, but I will say the image of a man who almost whispers so the angry person has to lean in to hear him — that one stuck with me. It’s the kind of thing that sounds like a trick when you describe it, and Rotert is careful to explain why it isn’t.

The book is written from a Christian framework, and Rotert is an ordained elder, so there’s a fair amount of scripture in here. What I appreciated is that he never weaponizes it. In fact, there’s a whole chapter about how people weaponize scripture to shut down conversations — claiming God is on their side so the other person has nowhere to go — and he’s as hard on his own side as he is on anyone else’s. He calls it armor, and he’s right.

It’s Not About Winning an Argument

I understood what he meant in the beginning when he said this isn’t about matching your uncle “verse for verse”.

And then, one my favorite chapters: The chapter on what to do when you are the subject of the argument — when the table is discussing your marriage, your identity, your right to exist, in the third person, while you’re sitting right there.

Anyone who has been on the opposing end of this type of argument knows how it can make you feel attacked, backed into a corner, and personally offended. He’s honest about how the advice in his book is easier to follow when the topic isn’t you. But he helps you understand how to approach these situations without being in defensive mode, or attack mode.

Approachable and Relatable

There’s also talk about how he still hasn’t had all the conversations with his own family. He doesn’t present like someone who has it all figured out. Just like the rest of us, he’s on the path. And it’s a journey we must all take day by day.

Some points the book covers:

• What do I do with the urge to correct?
• How do I say it so it can be heard?
• When do I have to say it?
• When do I stop? (When does the conversation end?)

The book is essentially a play-by-play of determining your needs, what you want to be true of you when you drive home after, what you want to convey and how you want the other person to feel or to see you after this conversation, and how you can end the conversation without ending the relationship. It’s about understanding what you can control, and how to let go of what you can’t.

My Only Critique

If I had to give one small critique, it would be that the book seems written for a very specific family format: a large holiday gathering, extended relatives, and the kind of place with a porch to escape to or dishes to carry. In reality, families look very different and this might not apply to you. Maybe your hard conversation has to happen in a two-person apartment or over FaceTime.

Still, I think the advice translates to whatever situation you find yourself in. It’s not just holiday-table advice, although it is taught to us in that framework. Rather, it’s life advice that you can use anywhere, at any time. The more you incorporate this into your own belief system, the more you will find yourself using the advice in this book, almost as second-nature.

To Sum It Up

I often think of books in terms of who I’d hand them to, and this one has a pretty long list. It’s short enough to read in just a free afternoon, and it’s warm without being “soft”. There is strength in being gentle, and A Soft Answer proves that.

It’s 5 stars for me. This book definitely changed me.

If you’ve ever driven home from a family dinner furious that you said “the thing”, or hollow because you didn’t, this book is for you.

Coming soon!